Cant believe this!

but i guess i shouldve already known...
i do have a secret blog!!
ugh..
ive always grown up with the concept that me, n only me, can take of myself n get me thru to the next day.
ive never been good at letting others in.
theres always so much room to get hurt or disappointed.
this is riidiculous!
everyone always points out how it seems really hard for me to talk about feelings..
but lyk if i spent 20 something yrs NOT doing it, idk how or when that'll change!
def not from one day to the next
its even taking months and im still not that far along!
:(
i have had ample opportunity to tell him wut i feel but i really js rather not...
yup, im truly mad at myself...really mad...
its lyk i have a physical reaction whenever feelings get discussed!
i feel something in my throat start to constrict-almost as if i cant breathe!
truly is a big issue...
but in the end i dont have anyone to blame but myself...
i could change this about myself...i kno it's a problem...i should try to take the necessary steps...
but i still cant believe that its that hard-still...