"Words"

These words that run through my veins scream to be let out.
They embody everything that I am.
Yet, say them out loud I can not.
You do not want to hear them, although you should.
Waste my time, I shall not.
My words hidden; so embedded in me that they are haunting me at night.
Shall I dare look myself in the mirror and deny what I see once more?
These words SCREAM to be let out!
Every step I take; every breath I take; they are there.
Can you not hear them still?
With my every movement they come out.
Can you not sense how these words influence me?
Brother of mine, I hope you are making the right choices for I will not speak another word.

Cant believe this!

but i guess i shouldve already known...
i do have a secret blog!!
ugh..
ive always grown up with the concept that me, n only me, can take of myself n get me thru to the next day.
ive never been good at letting others in.
theres always so much room to get hurt or disappointed.
this is riidiculous!
everyone always points out how it seems really hard for me to talk about feelings..
but lyk if i spent 20 something yrs NOT doing it, idk how or when that'll change!
def not from one day to the next
its even taking months and im still not that far along!
:(
i have had ample opportunity to tell him wut i feel but i really js rather not...
yup, im truly mad at myself...really mad...
its lyk i have a physical reaction whenever feelings get discussed!
i feel something in my throat start to constrict-almost as if i cant breathe!
truly is a big issue...
but in the end i dont have anyone to blame but myself...
i could change this about myself...i kno it's a problem...i should try to take the necessary steps...
but i still cant believe that its that hard-still...

I did sum thinking..

...and i havent come up with anything new at all.
i guess this whole 'thinking' thing that i'm doing is simply a ploy.
im clearly trying to avoid what seems to be inevitable...
i think i might be in love with someone!
ugh!
this.is.the.worst.feeling.ever!
if i go back in time i can tell you when i knew i'd be a goner, yet knowing that i'd fall so easily i still went ahead and pursued this silly thing.
now here i stand,mostly alone,in love with some guy who has more hang-ups than i do!

(lets just say that that's quite an achievement, cuz boy do i have problems!)
well, ive been trying to talk myself out of this silly thing but it hasnt quite gone away! lol
taking a lil longer than i had anticipated.
gee, i wish he'd just leave me alone sometimes...
...and boy do i get mad when days go by and i hear nothing 4rm him!
::sigh::
but this all was MY choice, making it all worse!
i know where he stands,so i have to either shut it or just shut him out 4 good.
what will i do?
well im going to have a few sleepless nights, sum bad days at work, distractions from cute guys at school days, and eating my life away days!

all simply cuz im in love with this guy and dont know what to do about it.
but next week will have a special day in it...
...how will it all go,i have no clue!
i hope it goes well..til next week Bloggers.

Happy Endings

So there's been a lot of talk about happy endings.
Many people tend to think that there is no such thing.
I totally think the opposite.
Simply because that's not the case.
There's not just one ending in our lives that HAS to be happy.
Ultimately, we have a multitude of endings in our lifetimes.
There's an ending to our innocence,
The end of our parent's marriage,
The end of a beautiful relationship,
The end of a family feud,
The end of a circle,
The end of a person's life,
The end of a friend's life.
There's an end to every chapter in our lives.
Whose to say that one of those can't be a happy ending?
There can't be a bad ending to everything in our lives.
Death is not necessarily a sad or bad ending either.
The one that passed on is now high above at peace.
This may just be an unhappy endings for us; but not theirs.
Stop being so negative and have faith.
If you look carefully there's happy endings somewhere in your version of the book called , Life.

Kids...

AHHHH! lol ok maybe im exaggerating a bit...

but wut a hassle.

maybe i'll have some of my own....

later in life...llllaaatttteeerrrr.

but not too late,

cuz us women face not so good odds.

but again i say 'kids....ahhhhh!'

I'm Such A Girl!!!

Just in case the breasts didn't get the point across,

or the mentrating...

This whole 'sighing over texts 4rm a guy' sure has made me remember that i'm a girl!

This is so ridiculous!

I mean, i thought i had gotten ahold of myself....

Thought, is so the keyword there...lol.

I had already figured out what the situation was...and what it wouldn't be.

But, noooo here i am thinking maybe, just maybe, i had him all wrong all along.

ugh!

I'm such a girl!

Let me hear about this exact same situation from the lips of a friend...

...and i'd be sighing for a whole other reason;

You are so stupid...so sad.

lol

So i can recognize that this is idiotic, yet that part of me can't help but hope.

Yes, hope.

Ridculous, i know.

What's worse is I'm trying to convince myself it's better that there's now interest on his part...

...now what i want to happen doesnt seem so wrong.

Yet, where's my value in all this?

ugh!

I'm such a girl!

I should not laugh at his feeble attempts to be funny!

I should not send the ' =) s' or the lil winks!

What is my problem!?

Why am i flirting?

ugh!

Somehow, i do manage to realize that this has to be some sort of plan.

Sadly, i don't kinda care.

lol

I think i'm purposely playing stupid.

I mean, i used to do this well...

...as long as i felt i was gaining something, too.

So i want to go along with this, becuz then i don't feel like i chased him down and seduced him!

But, then again i dont like anyone having the upper-hand...

...and i know that deep-down inside i wish that later he'd realize that i was actually pretty cool and want to seek something serious with me...

Yes, such a girl thing, but nevertheless i think it.

So maybe this is a bad idea...

...maybe im not just playing stupid...

My Thoughts Today

So today many weird thoughts have been rolling threw my tired brain.

I mean i think about my country and if i should actually be there.
I think about ppl that can't let go (including me).
I'm thinking about why distance sucks.
OHhhh and at the forefront of these thoughts is 'where r these men!?'
lol....(total I.J.)
But, in all seriousness I sometimes wonder where this is all going.
I'm conflicted about my future wants and needs.
I miss my friends.
We're all scattered now and it seems like we might never live near each other again.
And then I wonder if I'm meant to be a lonely woman.
Which is not a cool thought!
But, like I think our goal in life is to live for ourselves.
As in school, work and such.
I think as we achieve those needs then we add in ppl; like children and signif. others.
But, i'm starting to wonder if it doesnt work that way.
It seems like this generation has atleats 1 kid and are halfway to the altar!
So here i am, in my 20's wondering if i should be on that bandwagon,too!
I dunno.
But, then the independant me says, 'Well,don't you want to live?'
And yes, I do not in fact want to be tied down wit a committment and children...
...But, will i be the only single chick in the group?
I lost one to marriage already.
One down, 2 left....ok...
It's soOoo nap time.

Am I Really Living In a Fantasy World?

I really must be thinking that I am.
Seriously, how can i trust fully?
I mean i try my hardest. But, who do you trust?
How can you distinguish?
I really don't know if I'm being played for a fool or if this is all the truth...
...Was I a fool to think she could be honest with me?
I am pretty candid about things once ur in my circle.
Wut I keep hidden is purely to protect others and myself.
Not out of malice, not to save face...
So now I wonder 'Is this true?'
I refuse to feed into his P.C.I.
REFUSE.
Yet, I am me...
Curious.
Must-know-the-truth...
Ugh!
Are ppl really lyk this?
How do they remember wut they told wut to?
Honesty is key.
Things that supposedly were said were really unnecessary,
But, I messed up.
I was too honest.
You know, like if u warn ppl about the bad stuff u hate ten they are most likely to keep it from u, to aviod all the turmoil?
Yes.
I got too comfortable.
I spelled out what i do and don't like.
So she knew wut to say and not to say.
That I can see.
Truly.
But, the rest...'Is it true?'
If I could trust that others would be honest, then I'd ask.
But, I can live a somewhat honest existence.
And the others?
What do they believe?
I dunno.
So now, I'm so conflicted.
My night of watching the episodes of my soaps is ehhhh...
I really thought once my wall was down that I'd get what I gave out.
Guess, truly I was living in a fantasy world.
I assume that everyone has to look out for themselves...
I assume.
But, I'm still gonna watch ENDA.
Ha!